You learn something new every day.

Amazing what positive energy can do. Nothing but my outlook has changed and suddenly everything is...

Wed, 01 May 2013 10:45:57 -0700

Amazing what positive energy can do. Nothing but my outlook has changed and suddenly everything is beautiful. I’m happy, healthy, loved, and so, so thankful. I don’t really know what sparked this turnaround but I’m glad it happened and I hope this lasts.

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Thu, 25 Apr 2013 15:44:52 -0700

Peace in Faith

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 10:02:37 -0700

For the past 8+ years I’ve been asking the same questions: Who am I, and who am I meant to be? The journey has been so frustrating and I’ve often felt like I’ve received no answers and no guidance. But the teacher is always silent during the test. And now, I can’t describe it but I feel like I’m on the precipice of something major, like there’s something inside of me waiting to get out, like there’s something much bigger than me trying to show me something I can’t yet see. I can’t explain it but somehow I feel like everything’s going to be okay. Maybe having faith is more important than having all the answers.

Permanent Vacation

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 11:27:00 -0700

I want to go away with you. I want to escape the real world for a week or two, just the two of us. I want to sleep next to you. My hair might end up in your mouth and you will probably wake me up with your snoring. I’ll tease you in the morning for the weaves and stitches of the blankets imprinted on your face. I want to get ready in the hotel bathroom with you, me applying my makeup while you scrub your skin with a tiny bar of hotel soap in the shower.

I want to get lost on streets we’ve never been on and ask for directions from people who speak a language we don’t understand. I want to have lunch al fresco while we marvel at how big the world is. We’d share our dreams and goals with each other. I’ve heard yours a hundred times before but I love the excitement in your voice and the light in your eyes when you talk about what kind of restaurant you would open up and what would be on the menu. We’d lie on beaches, visit national monuments, get drunk on champagne or beer or whiskey. Then we’d somehow find our way back to our room where we’d collapse on the bed and knock out with all our clothes on. Brush our teeth in the morning and make love. Or not brush our teeth and do it anyway. Get lost again the next day with each other, in each other.

When it’s finally time to leave we’ll complain that we don’t want to go home. And we’ll look at each other for a while, happy and in love, and maybe we won’t.

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Fri, 29 Mar 2013 11:12:29 -0700

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Fri, 29 Mar 2013 11:10:33 -0700

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 11:06:17 -0700

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Wed, 27 Feb 2013 10:01:49 -0800

Dying Young

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 10:03:16 -0800

I know way too many people who’ve died way too soon. Death is a part of life, but it’s always unwelcome. Jekris was young, handsome, and in love. It seems so typical to comment on how amazing a person was after they die, but Jekris truly was a great person. He always had this dazzling, million dollar smile on his face that made you want to smile too. But the thing I remember most about him was the undying love and support he had for my good friend, Bonnie. He was always beaming at her accomplishments, so proud to be with a woman who’s not only gorgeous, but driven and intelligent. He made her cloud-nine-happy, and that’s what made him such a beautiful addition to my life. He was a good man.

Weren’t we all having beers and high-fiving just a week ago? It’s unreal that he was just laughing while holding Bonnie’s hair back after she took a few too many Super Bowl tequila shots, and now we’re talking about him in past tense. He had goals, dreams, so much life left ahead of him. I can never get over how quickly things can change and how fragile life is. My heart is broken for him and I can’t even imagine how his family feels. How Bonnie feels.

Last night I saw his friends grieving and I felt such a tightness in my chest because I was reminded of how I felt just a few years ago when we lost Xavier. There’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. There are no answers that make sense. Why would God take someone so young and cause his loved ones so much pain? We need to believe that it’s part of His plan. Otherwise we’ll grow bitter and hateful. Their deaths would be in vain.

A friend told me that Jekris was talking about death just a few days ago. He said he wondered what happens, and where he would go. No doubt he’s shining down on us from heaven. That smile was meant to belong to an angel.

Love and Fear

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 10:18:51 -0800

It’s so interesting how loving someone can make you feel fearless and completely scared at the same time.

This photo is so sick and Breaking Bad is my new favorite show....

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 11:51:02 -0800

This photo is so sick and Breaking Bad is my new favorite show. I’m 5 years late, but when I’m not watching it, I crave this show like druggies crave meth.

aren't you happy you were born?

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 15:48:20 -0800

My dad used to fix my hair for school. This technique could have...

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 11:40:19 -0800

My dad used to fix my hair for school. This technique could have saved him so much time!

I wish my boyfriend would quit smoking.

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 09:06:35 -0800

Cigarettes are bad for you, everyone knows that. But seeing my grandpa hooked up to an oxygen tank for years and eventually die from emphysema makes this issue much closer to my heart. I’ve mentioned this to Joey a couple times but at the end of the day it’s his body and his decision. He knows smoking cigarettes doesn’t do anything for him but make him wanna smoke more cigarettes, but if he doesn’t feel like quitting, who am I to try to force him? He avoids smoking in front of me and sometimes I forget he does. Then I smell that hint of smoke he’s trying to hide behind the breath mints and my heart sinks.

I don’t want to lose another loved one over cancer sticks. How dumb would that be? I can’t nag him about it so I guess I’ll just have to pray on it. I wish it was something he wanted for himself.

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Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:37:59 -0800

Not too long ago I claimed I may never get a tattoo. Maybe...

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 12:50:00 -0800

Not too long ago I claimed I may never get a tattoo. Maybe it’s because I feel like a huge part of our generation has taken body art and used it not as a form of self-expression, but as a means for attention. Sometimes I wonder how many people would still get tattoos if there were no social media platforms on which to flaunt them. And then there was the clash of the permanence of the ink and my indecisive personality.

But finally I’ve decided. Fuck it, I want a tattoo. Never mind the others who get them for attention; I’m doing it for me. And so what if my tastes change as I get older? How beautiful it would be to commemorate this significant time in my life. I’m young and full of dreams, and who knows how I’ll change in the future.

Brainstorming some ideas, and a sunflower is at the top of my list at the moment.

“The sunflower moves itself in the most direct position in front of the sun so it can get the maximum sun rays…It is a perfect symbol for the faith because the blossom (bright and bountiful) is always seeking out the light.

As a yellow flower, the sunflower can be compared to the solar-plexus chakra (Manipura). This chakra (and its color) governs intellect, and is a central force of perception as well as self-awareness and personal evolution.”

How perfect. I wanted something that symbolized my greatest struggle, and that’s been trying to figure who I am and the path that’s meant for me. I’ve been praying a lot more for guidance, strength, and wisdom, and in my pleas to God I feel I’ve learned a lot more about myself. Moreover, in my struggle for self-discovery came my struggle with happiness. I let my negative, pessimistic mood get the better of me, and I need to be reminded that happiness comes from within. Sunflowers represent happiness and longevity (they live for about a month once plucked). Also it doesn’t hurt that some Asian cultures believe they’re good luck.

Anyway, I’m strongly considering this tattoo; it encompasses so much of what I wanted to capture. The challenge may be figuring out a way to make the flower look less bold and more delicate (I’m a dainty lady and I want it to look pretty haha). Hmm, we’ll see.

Reflecting on 2012

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 09:14:23 -0800

Stole this from Miss Jill. I forgot how fun surveys are :D

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

- bought a new car

-tailgated/went to an NFL game (49ers)

-celebrated Christmas with Joey’s family

-had hella new food, including legit cheese steaks in Philadelphia, African, and Burmese

-got a smart phone/downloaded apps (wow so cool)

-went sledding and built a snowman

-went to a rave sober

-lost 20 pounds

-was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding

-got business cards

-went camping

-had a romantic weekend getaway

-went to a sporting event with my entire family (A’s)

-got my own healthcare plan

-a million other things my mind is unfortunate enough not to remember

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any resolutions going in to 2012, but it seems I’ve got more direction and motivation this year. I have a nice list ready.

3. What countries did you visit?

None this year :(

4. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

-confidence

-a healthy savings account
-a job I enjoy

-sustained motivation

-more life experience

5. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 1. Spent the night in Half Moon Bay with Joey. Walked barefoot on the beach, ate amazing food, smoked blunts in the jacuzzi, drank champagne by a fire in bath robes, danced to Rick James in our underwear, and no sleep til the sun came up.

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Deciding to lead a healthier lifestyle instead of sitting around pitying myself for feeling fat and ugly

7. What was your biggest failure?

Not working my hardest at my first adult job, no matter how much I hate it

8. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing major

9. What was the best thing you bought?

-my Scion

-Wicked tickets for Joey. His face when he saw was priceless.

10. Where did most of your money go?

-food

-gas

-gifts

-random shit on Amazon and Groupon

11. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My first camping trip

12. What songs will always remind you of 2012?

-Thinking Bout You - Frank Ocean
-Lay Me Down - Dirty Heads

-Gangam Style

13. What do you wish you’d done more of?

-reading

-being outdoors

-spending time with friends

-clothes shopping

14. What do you wish you’d done less of?

- worrying

-complaining

15. Did you fall in love in 2012?

Every day.

16. What was the best book you read?

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

17. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Avengers and Lawless

18. What did you do on your birthday?

Got tipsy and belted out Mariah Carey ballads with 30 of my best people at a karaoke lounge in the city, which strangely was located next to a sex dungeon.

19. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Casual. Jeans and lots of boots.

20. What kept you sane?

-Joey

-Girls’ nights out

-journaling

21. Who was the best new person you met?

Felicia. The only real friend I ever made at this damn job. Finally having a buddy made my monotonous work days so much more bearable.

22. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

Worrying is useless. The future will come whether you’re anxious about it or not. Life is happening right now so fuckin enjoy it.

I looove this but also it makes me feel weird because now...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 10:15:07 -0800

I looove this but also it makes me feel weird because now I’m picturing Disney characters having sex.

One of my favorite parts of the movie LOL

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 11:17:05 -0800

One of my favorite parts of the movie LOL

muffintop-less: I always measure my food (because I find it...

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 10:47:29 -0800

muffintop-less:

I always measure my food (because I find it easy to go overboard on portion sizes). If you’re in a pinch and can’t get to your food scale or measuring cups, this chart comes in very handy!

Super useful